Susan Murphy-Milano...

A suburban Illinois lawyer hid two tiny wireless cameras in the women's restroom of his Wheaton,IL law office and secretly videotaped women using the toilet, according to a civil lawsuit filed Tuesday by a female employee of the firm. The suit contends attorney Jerald Mangan hid the cameras, which allegedly transmitted images from the restroom to Mangan's computer and to the office's computer server. One camera was discovered in mid-September in a roll of toilet paper, the suit says. A second camera, hidden in a small basket of potpourri, was discovered Oct. 11, according to the suit. "It's shocking any employer would willingly put a camera in a women's restroom,'' said attorney Dennis DeCaro, who filed the lawsuit on behalf of the female employee. The employee wasn't identified by name in the lawsuit, which seeks unspecified damages and was filed in Cook County, where Mangan's firm also has an office. DeCaro said Wheaton police have been contacted about the alleged videotaping, although a police spokesman declined to comment Tuesday. The law firm, Mangan, Langhenry, Gillen and Lundquist, also was named as a defendant in the suit because after the first camera was discovered by a female lawyer, other female employees weren't notified, DeCaro contends. The firm, which has offices in Chicago, Joliet, Wheaton and Rockford, specializes in defending businesses from insurance claims, DeCaro said. A spokeswoman for the law firm said Mangan, 48, is no longer affiliated with the practice, but declined further comment.

Emotionally Abusive Husband

 Dear Susan,

I am writing because I need help.

I am not a physically abused wife, my husband is mentally abusive and has a very ban temper. I want to be prepared if he ever goes after me instead of punching holes in our walls. Sometimes I am afraid to go home at night because I don't know what kind of mood he will be in. I have to tip toe around and be very careful, I don't want to say the wrong thing or he'll blow up. I know I probably sound like an idiot for not leaving him, but I can't. I know if I try to leave he'll come after me, and find me, no matter who I run to. I think of different ways out everyday and nothing seems solid enough. My husband is now thinking about buying a gun and it scares me to death to even think about it. He swears he would never even think about using it on me, but I don't want to take a risk. A man with his temper and instability is capable of dong anything. Please send me as much information as you can about making a plan to leave, and any other information you think will help. Someday with a solid plan, I will get out of here.

Thank you, Joan

This letter is a good example of how hopeless a woman can feel. As you can see that when she begins her letter she is minimizing the abuse.

Then her feelings are escalated to a helplessness and fear of this man.

What can she do? Can she realistically leave safely? The first clue from her letter is that Joan is not believing her own self.

She calls herself an idiot and she says someday, I will get out. She is also alone and isolated from her family and friends and she is embarrassed to tell anyone what's really happening. The first step for her is to call a local women's program and get herself into a counseling program at a battered women's facility. The services are free of charge and in time they will assist her in areas of self-esteem, empowerment, and a plan for leaving. She must begin to believe when she leaves she will be safe. He's manipulating Joan because he knows just where her fears and weaknesses are and he reacts to them to keep her in her place. The problem is, he knows her better than she knows her own self.

This is very common for the majority of victims. “ They feel powerless.” The key here is for Joan to begin to shift gears and work on herself so that she can become strong and finally leave. But, she must have a support system in place for this to happen. The saying "We have nothing to fear, but fear itself", is eye opening. "What is Fear?" We are not born with fear as infants, it is something that another person places upon another individual to get them to react to what they want.

Without having first hand knowledge and meeting Joan personally, the best suggestion if for her to contact the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, which offers counseling and help in her area. The toll-free number is 1-800-799-7233 1-800-787-3224 (TDD for the hearing impaired)

Susan Murphy-Milano is the author of "Moving Out, Moving On" when a rrealtionship goes wrong. Available at Borders, Walden Books, Borders Express and Amazon. 

For more information please contact the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence at 1-800.799-SAFE or visit them on the internet at http://www.ncadv.org

Susan is also the author of "Defending Our Lives", getting away from domestic violence & staying safe (Doubleday Books)

 

"America’s Voiceless” The Children of Divorce

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The word psychosis is used to describe conditions which affect the mind, where there is some loss of contact with reality. Psychosis varies greatly and the term covers a number of related illnesses. When someone becomes ill in this way and loses contact with reality it is called a psychotic episode. People who have experienced this often call it spinning out or going off the planet. With time and the right treatment, most people make a full recovery from the experience. Many may never have another episode. A minority experience psychotic symptoms on a daily basis. Psychosis is most likely to occur in young adults and is quite common. Around 5 out of every 100 people will experience a psychotic episode making psychosis more common than diabetes. Psychosis can happen to anyone. Like any other illness it can be treated. What causes Psychosis? A number of theories have been suggested as to what causes psychosis, but there is still much research to be done. It may be a combination of factors. Chemical imbalance It is commonly believed that a psychotic episode occurs due to a disturbance in how the brain normally functions. Our brain works by sending chemical messages from one part to another. When someone develops psychosis this may be due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, perhaps sending too much or too little chemical messages. Medication for psychosis works by trying to compensate for this chemical imbalance. Genetic factors These may include genetic vulnerability suggesting that in some instances it may be inherited, or physical factors such as impairment of the nervous system during very early development. Stress, drug abuse or social change Symptoms of psychosis often emerge in response to these. These are not causes of psychosis but it does seem that if you have a vulnerability then you may experience a psychotic episode. At this stage we cannot predict who will or who will not develop a psychosis. It has been suggested that if you have a vulnerability then to reduce stress in your life may assist you from having an episode. What are the Symptoms? Symptoms vary a lot from person to person, however, there are a number of quite common categories of symptoms.-some of these you will have experienced, others you may not have. Symptoms usually include changes in your thoughts, feelings and behaviours, making it hard for other people to understand you. In order to try to understand the experience of psychosis it is useful to group together some of the more characteristic symptoms. Problems in thinking You may have difficulty organising your thoughts, everyday thoughts become confused or don’t join up properly. Sentences are unclear or don’t make sense. You may have difficulty concentrating, following a conversation or remembering things. Thoughts seem to speed up or slow down. You may believe that your thoughts are being interfered with in some way. False beliefs or delusions It is common for a person experiencing a psychotic episode to hold false beliefs known as delusions. You may be so convinced of your delusion, that the most logical argument cannot make you change their mind. It seems real to you but does not seem real to other people. For example someone may be convinced from the way the cars are parked outside their house that they are being watched by the police. Hallucinations In psychosis the person sees, hears, feels, smells or tastes something that is not actually there and no one else has the same experience. For example you may hear voices which no one else can hear, or see things which aren’t there. Things may taste or smell as if they are bad or even poisoned. These hallucinations are very real to you. The voices you hear may tell you to do certain things or may be abusive or funny. Changed feelings How you feel may change for no apparent reason. You may feel strange and cut off from the world with everything moving in slow motion. Mood swings are common and you may feel unusually excited or depressed. Some times peoples emotions seem dampened-they feel less than they used to, or show less emotion to those around them. Changed behaviour People with psychosis behave differently from the way they usually do. You may be extremely active or lethargic sitting around all day, or sleeping a lot. You may laugh inappropriately or become angry or upset without a reason. You may find it difficult to talk to other people. Often changes in behaviour are associated with the symptoms already described above. For example, a person believing they are in danger may call the police, or they may stop eating because they believe the food is poisoned. Symptoms vary from person to person and may change over time. What are the types of Psychosis? When someone has a psychosis, a diagnosis of a particular psychotic illness is usually given. A diagnosis means identification of an illness by a person’s symptoms and the diagnosis will depend on what brought on the illness and how long the symptoms last. Many psychotic symptoms like hallucinations and delusions are common to all psychoses. This means that the boundaries between the different types of psychosis are blurred and it is often difficult to make a decision. The most common conditions in which psychosis occur are: Brief Psychotic Disorder - This is a psychosis that lasts less than one week that is a reaction to a severe tress. It can involve quite severe symptoms but recovery is quick. Organic Psychosis - This type of psychosis can be clearly related to a physical problem that disrupts brain functioning and is caused by illness or head injury. Substance-Induced Psychosis - This type of psychosis is associated with alcohol or drug abuse or withdrawal. It is usually brief with psychotic symptoms resolving as the effects of the substances wear off, although in some cases longer lasting psychotic illness seems to begin with substance induced psychosis. Bipolar Disorder (or Manic-Depression) - Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder which may or may not be accompanied by psychotic symptoms. Prominent symptoms are extremes of mood both highs (mania) and lows (depression). Psychotic symptoms when present fit in with the person’s mood. Major Depressive Episode with Psychotic Features (or Psychotic Depression) - This diagnosis is made when there is depression with psychotic symptoms but without mania (high). Schizophrenia - This type of psychosis includes hallucinations, delusions and changes in behaviour, feelings and thinking that have been continuing for a period of at least six months. Schizophreniform Disorder - A psychosis like Schizophrenia however the symptoms last more than one month and less than six months. Schizoaffective Disorder - This diagnosis is made when the person has symptoms of both a mood disorder (depression or mania) and psychosis. Psychosis has many forms. Course and outcomes vary from person to person. What treatments are available? Medication is an essential treatment for psychosis. Along with other forms of treatment, it plays a fundamental role in recovery from a psychotic episode and in prevention of further episodes. Supportive psychotherapy or having someone to talk to about your illness, to provide reassurance and to assist with practical matters can be of great benefit. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to learn ways to manage symptoms and to cope with feelings. Psychosocial rehabilitation to learn skills to return to everyday activities. Social and professional support, and education of yourself and family members about your illness has been found to be of great benefit.

Computer telecommunications have become one of the most prevalent techniques used by pedophiles to share illegal photographic images of minors and to lure children into illicit sexual relationships. The Internet has dramatically increased the access of sex offenders to the population they seek to victimize. The Innocent Images National Initiative (IINI), a component of the FBI's Cyber Crimes Program, is an intelligence-driven, proactive, multi-agency investigative initiative to combat the proliferation of child pornography/child sexual exploitation facilitated by an online computer. The IINI provides centralized coordination and analysis of case information that by its very nature is national and international in scope, requiring unprecedented coordination with state, local, and international governments, and among FBI Field Offices and Legal Attachés. The mission of the IINI is to: identify, investigate, and prosecute sexual predators who use the Internet and online services to sexually exploit children; establish a law enforcement presence on the Internet as a deterrent to subjects that use it to exploit children; and identify and rescue witting and unwitting child victims. HISTORY OF INNOCENT IMAGES While investigating the disappearance of a juvenile in May 1993, FBI Agents and Prince George's County, Maryland, police detectives identified two suspects who had sexually exploited numerous juveniles over a 25-year period. Investigation into the activities of the suspects determined that the adults were routinely utilizing online computers to transmit child pornography. Further investigation and discussions with experts, both within the FBI and in the private sector, revealed that the utilization of computer telecommunications was rapidly becoming one of the most prevalent techniques by which some sex offenders shared pornographic images of minors and identified and recruited children into sexually illicit relationships. Based on information developed during this investigation, the Innocent Images National Initiative was started in 1995 to address the illicit activities conducted by users of commercial and private online services and the Internet. During the early stages of Innocent Images, a substantial amount of time was exhausted on commercial online service providers that provide numerous easily accessible "chat rooms" in which teenagers and pre-teens can meet and converse with each other. By using chat rooms, children can chat for hours with unknown individuals, often without the knowledge or approval of their parents. Investigation revealed that computer sex offenders used chat rooms to contact children. Chat rooms offer the advantage of immediate communication around the world and provide the pedophile with an anonymous means of identifying and recruiting children into sexually illicit relationships. TODAY'S INNOCENT IMAGES Today, the FBI's IINI focuses on: individuals who indicate a willingness to travel interstate for the purpose of engaging in sexual activity with a minor; and major producers and/or distributors of child pornography. In addition, the IINI works to identify child victims and obtain appropriate services/assistance for them. Online child pornography/child sexual exploitation is the most significant cyber crime problem confronting the FBI that involves crimes against children. Throughout the FBI, there was a 1,997% increase in the number of IINI cases opened between fiscal years 1996 and 2002 from 113 to 2,370. It is anticipated that the number of cases opened and the resources utilized to address the crime problem will continue to rise during the next several years. The FBI has taken the necessary steps to ensure that the Innocent Images National Initiative remains viable and productive through the use of new technology and sophisticated investigative techniques, coordination of the national investigative strategy, and a national liaison initiative with a significant number of commercial and independent online service providers. Innocent Images has been highly successful. It has proven to be a logical, efficient, and effective method to identify and investigate individuals who are using the Internet for the purpose of sexually exploiting children. To report child pornography and/or sexual exploitation of children, please contact your Crimes Against Children Coordinator at your local FBI Field Office or link to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children's CyberTipline at www.cybertipline.com. The CyberTipline allows parents and children to file a report by submitting an online form. This form is then reviewed by analysts and forwarded to law enforcement including the FBI, the U.S. Customs Service, the U.S. Postal Inspection Service, and state and local police agencies. For additional information on Internet safety, please consult the FBI brochure titled 'A Parent's Guide to Internet Safety' which is available online. You may obtain a hard copy of the brochure by contacting a Crimes Against Children Coordinator at your local FBI Field Office. Individual FBI Field Offices serve as primary points of contact for persons requesting FBI assistance. For further information about FBI services or to request assistance, please contact a Crimes Against Children Coordinator at your local FBI Field Office.

Yesterday I posted about the new Reality Court TV series on Domestic Violence Murders to air on Court TV in January and I was surprised no one responded.  As mothers, Fathers, neighbors, grandparents we need to consider having a no tolerance policy for this type of televison trash.

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Officer Pulls Trigger,Officer Down, Officer Needs Assistance

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Each time you log onto the Internet, you are announcing your arrival as though you are visiting an old friend. As a consumer and user, you should be very careful when going on-line. How is this possible? Because within every computer is an ID number just like a social security number telling the company in cyber space who is calling or entering their site. Each time you visit a site that asks for personal information. and it doesn't have a privacy policy, SKIP IT! Never fill out information that say "optional." Or allow unsecured information of your to come up on the computer screen. Staying Safe: Do not respond to emails asking for any of the following: Your password and email address Confirmation of your credit card number or expiration date Bank account numbers; Social security numbers Drivers license number; Your First or Last name Never, ever respond to an email that asks you to update your information; Do not answer correctly questions that may appear harmless like your date of birth. Many sites today look like the ones we deal on a regular basis. For example, paypal or america on line or even your bank. Either call them by phone or log directly into the web site address of the company making the request. When dealing with companies; to go http://www.consumer.gov This site is maintained by the Federal Trade Commission and offers buyers guides, tips, and links to other useful resources. To insure your safety from an abuser or on-line stalker on the Internet, make sure that if you have an e-mail account that you select a password that no one knows but you. If you receive threatening or harassing email, print it out and save it. Then go to your phone book and look up the telephone number for you local US Attorney's Office. Sending this type of e-mail could be a federal offense and this office will be able to provide you with information detailing your options. If you are a parent there is an interactive site not only for your kids, but it provides a menu of resources for parents. http://www.ed.gov/pubs/parents/internet/sites.html Once a year get a copy of your credit report. Your credit report should list all bank accounts and financial accounts under your name, and will provide other indications of whether someone has wrongfully opened or used any accounts in your name. When shopping at any retail store and your in the process of checking out, after running your credit card through that machine in from of you, if the store clerk asks you to sign in the box, politely refuse,instead, ask for a hard copy to sign. If there is a carbon, also ask for that from the clerk and shred it when you go home. That innocent process of signing in the little box, is also another form of identity theft. Did you ever ask or think about where that signature of your is going? Someone in cyberland does! Even though you think you know how to be safe and what to watch out for on the Internet, I have a newsflash for you. Within five years 1 in 4 adults will be victims of identity theft.

SOMEONE YOU MIGHT KNOW PATRICIA AND ROBERT When Patricia met Robert at their annual church social; it was love at first sight. They had so much in common. Sharing love for the ballet, music, food and most importantly they shared the same dream; they were both looking for that special someone to spend the rest of their lives with. Someone who believed in family, God & children--to them it was important to have a strong foundation. Both came from good, hard working Christian families and they wished for the same happiness their parents had shared throughout their marriages. Patricia and Robert dated for over a year when Robert asked for Patricia's hand in marriage. While telling her story, if only for a brief moment Patricia's eyes reflected on a happier time in her life. Patricia begins when Robert proposed. We had just learned that Robert was offered a job as a financial analyst with a large investment banking institution. Robert wanted to really go out on the town and celebrate. I was so happy for him; I went out and bought a new dress. Robert was very secretive about how we would celebrate his new job. The next weekend we drove about two hundred miles. I knew by the highway signs we were headed to Chicago. When we arrived at the restaurant, Robert excused himself. When he returned he handed me an envelope. When I opened the envelope, I wanted to just scream out loud. Inside, there were two tickets to see my all-time favorite performer in the whole world, Tony Orlando. I couldn't believe my eyes. And they were front row seats to boot. I could hardly get through dinner knowing we were going to see Tony Orlando. I have to say when we were seated for the show, I had goose bumps. After the first song, Mr. Orlando reached into the audience with his hand and asked me to come up to the stage. When I turned to look at Robert, he'd left his seat. I was actually on the stage with this handsome hunk of a man. Then he asked the audience for their cooperation for a moment. Then Mr. Orlando turned me around to the back of the stage. "Do you know this young man approaching," he asked. I couldn't say a word, I was frozen. "Ladies and gentlemen, the person coming on stage is Robert and he has something to ask this very special lady." Mr. Orlando said hello to Robert, handed him the microphone and said. "It's all yours my man." And then, what seemed to be before the entire world, Robert got on his knees and proposed. When I accepted the crowd of strangers stood up and cheered. Then, from the audience, my family and Robert's family came up on stage to congratulate us. We set a date and married in our town church shortly after. Things happened so fast, with the wedding, sending out resumes for a job, and then trying to find a place to live. We were going crazy. I was so excited when I found a good paying job; everything was falling directly into place. After a few months, Robert began acting strange. He'd blow up when he thought I misplaced his shaver, or his socks weren't matched and still sitting in the laundry basket. You know stupid little things like that. One night, I had to stay late at work and finish a project. When I walked in the door Robert was sitting with the channel changer in one hand and a beer in the other. "Can't you come straight home from work just once?" When I tried to calm him down he threw his beer and the channel changer at the television and stormed out of the apartment. The next morning he apologized for blowing up and said he was under a lot of pressure at work. He asked me to forgive him. A few weeks later, the girls from work made plans to go out for a night on the town. I didn't think it was such a big deal. Robert was going to a basketball game with some people from work and I really didn't feel like staying home by myself. When I came home, Robert had just arrived. "Where have you been?" "I went out with some girls after work, why?" "Those bimbos who go out and meet men like whores. Is that what you want to do? Is that what you like? Cause if it is, you can go out that door." I was stunned and hurt by Robert's words. When I called home for some comforting reassurance, I was amazed as to how hard it was to lie and say how fine everything was going between Robert and I. A few months later we learned I was pregnant. When I shared the news with Robert, he was so excited. Then at dinner that evening he asked when I was going to give my notice at work. "I thought I'd work until the baby is born." "Absolutely not," he said. "No wife of mine is going to work while she is pregnant." So, at his insistence, I gave my notice and began looking for a house. I thought things would get better, but Robert grew more irritated and impatient. When we brought our son home from the hospital, the baby would wake up nights and cry and Robert would get upset. Nothing I did seemed right. If dinner wasn't on the table the moment he walked in the door, he would scream louder then the baby. If my hair wasn't fixed the way he liked me to keep it, he would accuse me of not caring anymore. If he'd call during the day from work and I wasn't home, he would demand to know who I was with that day. I couldn't understand. I loved him so much, why was he treating me this way? I continued to ask God for guidance, but somehow it didn't stop the hurt I felt inside. When I went to my pastor, he told me to continue praying and to reach out to family members for support. So When I called my sister and explained what was going on, she didn't believe me. She said I needed to pay more attention to Robert. So, I took her advice and tried to make things better at home. After our second child was born, I hardly left the house. And I had no time for myself. One night Robert came home from work late. He'd been drinking. He demanded I put the children to bed. When I didn't get off the couch fast enough, he slapped me. "Did you hear what I said? What part didn't you understand?" I stood up, stunned, put the children to bed, locked the door to the den and went to sleep. The next day Robert left for work before I got up. That afternoon a dozen roses arrived with a note from Robert saying he was sorry. For a couple of weeks things were great, but that didn't last long. One night after I put the kids to bed he wanted to fool around. I was just too tired. I had been up for two nights straight while the kids took turns with the flu. When I pushed Robert's hand away, he became angry, accusing me of having an affair. Then before I knew it, he pulled the belt from his pants and began beating me with it. I screamed for him to stop; the more I screamed the harder he hit me. Then he began shouting, "You little bitch, you little bitch, defy me will you, this will teach you. I'm your husband, you do what I say when and where I want, do you understand me." In the background you could hear the children screaming. All of a sudden there was a heavy knock at the door. "Open up, police, open the door now." Robert got up turned around to go to the door, he pulled a comb out of his back pocket combed his hair and tried to straighten his appearance before he answered. The officer demanded to be let in the house. He made his way around Robert into the corner of the living room where he found me hovering in the corner. The officer slowly helped me from the floor onto the sofa. Then he gave his partner the order to cuff Robert. "But you're making a mistake, you can't do this, what do you think you're doing?" Robert said. He kept going on an on about his rights. Shortly afterwards the paramedics arrived to treat my injuries. Surprisingly, everyone was so nice. When the officer insisted I go to the hospital, I refused. "I'll be fine," I explained. "And besides, I have no one to leave the children with." I was so numb and terrified, I didn't know what to do and everything everyone was saying wasn't registering. Here I was this grown woman, with two small children, a responsible individual. How could I have allowed this to happen? Why didn't I see? What did I do to provoke this outburst? Why was God allowing this to continue? How much more I can take, I thought. Before the officer left, he gave me telephone numbers of where to get further assistance. When I got the children back in bed and settled, I sat at the kitchen table just staring at the sheet of paper that was given to me. I decided to give one of the numbers a try. When I asked about services, I was told that they were full, try back in a week. I continued calling the other hotline numbers. I kept getting the same response, "Sorry, we're full." HOME, SWEET HOME Feeling as though I had no other alternatives, I decided to call my mom. I decided to go home for a visit. When I went to the bathroom to get cleaned up, I was horrified. My face was swollen and bruised, my neck, arms and back was raw and red with a lot of my skin broken. Then I called the police station where my husband had been taken. They informed me that it would be around noon the following day before he sees a judge and bail is set. When I got the strength and my second wind, I packed up the jeep with some of the kids' toys and clothes. We left early the next morning for my parents' house. When we finally arrived, my parents came out to help me along with the family pastor. The expression on my parents' faces was one of horror. My father wanted to find Robert and teach him a lesson for harming his little girl. We got settled, I sat with my parents and my pastor and we talked things out. The Pastor suggested I write down what I needed to do. And before he left we all got down on our knees and prayed together. I pulled out the yellow pages and looked up legal assistance offices, women's groups and attorneys. I spent the next four hours on the phone. Everywhere I called wanted personal information or history before they would even speak with me. Then I was told no one would be able to contact me for a few weeks because they were booked. Then I began calling private attorneys everyone was pretty matter of fact. The first questions were about resources, net worth, what was my current financial status. And unless I had twenty-five hundred dollars for a retainer when I walked in, they wouldn't help me. So I decided to call around to the various churches for direction. I found them very supportive and helpful. After dinner that evening Robert called and demanded to speak with me. "She's not here," my father said. Robert kept calling and when my father had had enough, he blew. "Listen, you call here again and I will call the police. Stay away from me and my family." After the children were asleep, my parents and I resumed our conversation and we discussed what I wanted to do and what was best for all concerned. It was a blessing that my parents were willing to do anything they could to help me, and for the first time I didn't feel alone. The next day, someone from a church office returned my call. I was asked so many questions, I felt confused. There seemed to be so much to do that I wasn't aware of because I had never been in this situation before. That afternoon, I scheduled an appointment with an attorney recommended by a local church. ROBERT'S RIGHTS The first thing the attorney did was to take pictures of me with an instant camera. Then he explained my legal options and alternatives. He also tried to prepare me for what might happen. He suggested that this was not going to be easy; I wasn't going to just be able to get rid of this man and throw him out of my life. He said Robert had rights too even though he's committed a crime. The attorney wanted me to understand that because we had children, Robert had a right to be a part of their lives. And that even if I had sole custody, Robert, under the law, had a right to visitation. Then after we finished our meeting the attorney asked if I would pray with him. I was very confused, but for the first time I felt God's presence with me. All of this seemed as though it was happening so fast. The attorney suggested that because I didn't have an Emergency Order of Protection that we fill out the paperwork in his office, head over to the court building and get one now. He indicated that we would have no problem based on my injuries and police reports. I was so scared. I had never set foot in a courtroom before; it was cold and smelled like damp, musty wood. It was nothing like you see on television, except the "All rise" when the judge enters the courtroom. When my name was called, my attorney gently guided me by the arm and we went in front of the judge. My attorney spoke first. "Your honor I'm... representing my client. As you can see before you judge, my client has been badly beaten. We are here today to obtain an emergency order of protection for her and the children. In addition, we ask the court to grant temporary custody to my client pending the outcome of a divorce, your honor." Then the judge spoke, "Clerk, swear in the witness." "Raise your right hand, do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?" "I do," I replied. Then the clerk held up a piece of paper and asked if that was my signature. "Yes," I stated. Then for the record I was asked to state my name, address and age. The judge asked me to briefly explain what happened. When my attorney told the judge it was in the paperwork before him, the judge told him to be quiet and asked me to answer the question. I tried to explain, but I couldn't. I lost it and began crying. Slam, went the judge's gavel. "The court will take a brief recess while the witness composes herself." "I'm sorry," I told my attorney." Did I make him angry?" "No,” a gentle voice he replied," just calm down and we'll try again." When the court was called back to order the judge reappeared from the side door of the court. He looked down at me. "Are we ready to proceed"? "Yes your honor," I replied. I tried taking a few deep breaths in between sentences to explain what Robert had done and that I was in fear for my life. When I finished the judge spoke. "The court finds in favor of granting an emergency order of protection based on the witness's testimony and physical injuries apparent before this court. The court further orders that the witness be granted temporary custody of the minor children. Next return date in 21 days. Good luck." Then he tapped his gavel and the court person called the next case. When I asked why we had to return back to court the attorney explained that Robert would have to appear before the judge and my order would then be renewed depending on the circumstances of my case. There was so much I wanted to ask, but I didn't want to take any more of my attorney's time and most of all I didn't want to appear stupid. ROBERT RETURNS A few days later Robert appeared at my parents' house, demanding to speak with me. My father refused to let him in the house. The following night my parents and I were awakened by a large noise outside. When I peeked out the upstairs bedroom window, I spotted Robert's car down the street. I began screaming, "its Robert, he's back." My father ordered us to stay in the house and to contact the police. You could hear my father having it out on the front lawn with Robert. It was also obvious that Robert had been drinking. When my father turned around to go back in the house, we heard a loud noise like a car backfiring. Then all was quiet. I called 911 again, trying to get assistance. I heard my mother whisper to stay put. When the police arrived, they found my father unconscious lying with a bullet wound to his back. Robert was nowhere in sight. The police immediately put out an all points bulletin on the radio. They were throwing so many questions at us. They wanted a description of Robert, the car, what we saw. Several minutes later a call for backup came over the police radio. It sounded like they had Robert in sight going 90 miles an hour on the state highway. You could hear the chase like a made for television movie. It sounded like several cars were in pursuit of my husband all at one time. When the ambulance came, my mother went with my father to the hospital. An hour or so later a squad car pulled up to the house. The officer approached me. "Yes," I replied. "We're checking, but we believe we've located Robert. We'll know in just a few minutes." The following day, the doctors took my father off the critical list and moved him to a regular room. I was still in shock with the news that Robert was dead. According to the police, while in pursuit of Robert who was going at a high speed, his car went out of control, sliding off the road and over a bridge. He was pronounced dead at the scene. Even though he was gone, the memory of the violence and the anger I felt were still inside of me. You would think it just goes away, but it doesn't. I learned that I had to deal with all of this. That meant there had to be a conclusion to all of this. It's taken over a year through therapy just to get past the violence and why he did this. I still have a long way to go and with the assistance of professional counseling there is hope that I will recover and begin again to rebuild my life. Patricia's story ends with the tragic death of her husband, but she still has much to grieve from the abuse she received as well as his death. She has since remarried and volunteers at a local women's shelter. HOW YOU CAN HELP The most important thing you can do for a friend or family member who's being abused is to let the person know you care. They need to know that you are there for them, no matter what. If you see signs or specific behavior patterns in a loved one or friend, you cannot look away. Here are some things to be alert to. Is she: *Not coming to family gatherings or outings? *Making excuses for not showing up when they're expected? *Wearing clothes that hide arms and legs during hot weather. *Appearing irritable or depressed? *Talking about trouble in the relationship? *Openly admitting emotional, physical or sexual abuse? These are all signs of abuse. If someone is trying to reach out to you for help, don't pass it off as a one time incident. Abuse is against the law; these are not accidents, they are crimes. If you choose to ignore appeals for help, she could be killed, and there will be no more choices to make, except to pick up the pieces. Listen to the person who comes to you for assistance or advice. Don't judge her. Do not minimize the extent of what she says is going on. Abuse is not a "One Size Fits All" Solution. Like our own fingerprints no two cases of abuse are the same. Our society does not make it okay for anyone to say "I need help" or I am a victim of abuse or a broken relationship", when there is so much contempt for weakness and submissiveness. The names, addresses and telephone numbers of programs and agencies who assist victims of domestic violence are located in your phone book under social service agencies. Or you can search the internet. Sit down at the kitchen table with her, take paper and pen and help her with a safety plan or to set goals. Let her know you will help and support her in every way. If you know someone who is being abused, but you are fearful of confronting that person, send them information anonymously. Don't look the other way. Do something! 

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Most of us who hear stories on the news about domestic violence tend to think in terms of a “single incident” or, a “one time only” act of violence.  The term “DOMESTIC VIOLENCE” is a continuing pattern of behavior which can include repeated harassment, stalking or surveillance of the victim, threats and intimidation, bodily harm, sexual assault, child abduction or the constant threat of it, that can escalate, in some cases to murder .

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Moving out, Moving on is today's most comprehensive, step-by-step, practical guide to bringing the painful process of a relationship break-up and divorce to an equitable conclusion. This book offers a complete and detailed plan for dealing with all the aspects and pitfalls that one faces during this emotional and life altering experience.

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