Susan Murphy-Milano...

Recently, Oprah did a show with a young talented country western singer, who was on her way to a bright future. After a release of a huge record, that hit #3 on the charts.  The next big hit would not be another record, but, a severe beating from her live-in boyfriend, that could have killed her, and nearly did.  Here is this beautiful woman, with the world at her feet, announcing on National Televison, that she still loves him, and they are expecting their first child soon.  And against court orders, she returned to him, after this incident, and then became pregnant.

She goes on to say, that "he only does this when his is drinking" and excuses the violent behavior with either alcohol or drugs.  She sits in the studio guest chair, an emotional wreck, excusing his temper like a bad cold that he'll someday get over and life will be wonderful. But, the graphic pictures, of deep red, choking marks around her neck, and the eyes almost punched shut, told a different tale. 

When Oprah asked her if she had ever been hit before, the young woman at first said no, but then confessed to light episodes of hitting and shoving since their relationship began.  But, by the end of the show, she confessed that it had been a violent relationship almost since day one. And that she hoped the arrival of their child would change things. 

As the world watched, we couldn't understand why she continued to return to this violent relationship.  And as a society, we automatically concluded, that "if she wanted to, she could just walk away".  That thinking is easier said, than done.

Love is a very deep and emotional river.  For many victims, such as this, her problems go back to her childhood.  Maybe she wasn't held, or made to feel that she was loved by her parents. Victims are also abused as children, or they see violence in their homes, and believe it is normal behavior. And they never develop a sence of self-worth. They always hold out hope the abuser will change.

Clearly, in all cases, victims are either afraid for their lives, afraid of failure, afraid no one will ever come to love them again, afraid of financial or emotional bankruptcy . Or, afraid of being afraid, and alone. 

Remember one thing, like our own individual fingerprints, no two cases of relationship violence are ever the same. And no one asks to be abused. 

If you know someone perhaps, a school mate, co-worker, relative, friend, please don't judge them.  Support them just by being there and listening.   The National Coalition Againt Domestc Violence offers confidential counseling and shelter services in your area.

The toll free number is 1-800-799-7233, or for the hearing impaired 1-800-787-3224.

Susan Murphy-Milano is the author of "Moving Out, Moving On" when a relationship goes wrong and "Defending Our Lives" getting away from domestic violence & staying safe (doubleday) you can email her at Kindlivingpress@aol.com or visit http://www.movingoutmovingon.com