Susan Murphy-Milano...

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Ft. Bragg Advocate-News


Domestic violence: The other side

Thursday, November 17, 2005 -
By DON CLAYBROOK Of the Advocate -
Another arrest for domestic violence husband slaps wife, boyfriend punches
out girlfriend, 290-pound pro football player throws 120-pound woman from
balcony same old story, right? The male is always the aggressor and the
female is always the victim. Not necessarily. According to some surveys,
government statistic's confirm that almost 40 percent of all domestic
violence victims in the United States are men.
Shocked? Incredulous? Join the club. Most people would be dumbfounded by
that statistic. Lori Bloom is not. She heads an organization in Fort Bragg
called People's Alternatives to Violence (PAV) and has made it a crusade to
change that stereotypical image, an image that stamps men as almost always
the perpetrators of domestic violence.
The classic view
Traditionally, violence by women against men has been viewed as minimal "It
could not possibly have hurt him," or, it's justified as self-defense "She
is the victim of his abuse." Many would contend that women have an easy way
out in the "blame game" by claiming, "I am a victim of domestic violence and
can do no wrong." Or, they claim, women cannot be guilty of domestic
violence because they can assert little or no power and control over men.
However, some experts in the field are beginning to view that logic as
twisted.
Domestic violence committed by men is typically viewed by women's victims'
advocate groups as being characterized by a need on the man's part to assert
power and control. Domestic violence might take the form of jokes and
insults; or, it might involve mayhem or murder. Certainly the acts that
constitute domestic violence range from the somewhat slight to the very
severe, all serious. But the victims are not always women.
According to Bloom, men have traditionally been taught that it is important
to be right and to win even at the expense of others. To be wrong or to back
down is to be shamed. Domestic violence often occurs when a man gets angry
in what he perceives to be a threatening situation. However, no one, male or
female, states Bloom, deserves to be abused or treated with disrespect.
A 'get tough' approach
Affirmative action (informed and motivated by the classic view on domestic
violence) has, in the opinion of many, led to laws that have created a clear
gender bias. That bias in turn has permeated law enforcement's response to
domestic conflict. A call to 911 brings out a fleet of squad cars eager to
carry out today's "tough" domestic violence laws. The centerpiece of the
domestic violence laws and the resultant enforcement seems to be mandatory
arrest. And, the person arrested is almost always the man.
According to some men's advocacy groups, a "no drop" policy by prosecutors
has become popular because it is a great publicity tool and because it also
serves as a way to ensure more funding. The supposed victim, the woman,
either does not file charges; or, the facts of the incident tend to point to
her as the perpetrator of the domestic violence. Still, prosecutors maintain
a "no drop" policy and file charges against the man.
Oftentimes, according to one men's advocacy group, domestic violence is
"whatever the man does that the woman doesn't like." He files for custody of
the children and she sees that as a "threat." He demands that she stop
having an affair and she calls the demand, "abuse."
According to Lisa Scott, founding member of TABS (Taking Action against Bias
in the System), "Any modern man not terrified of being in a relationship
with a woman has not been paying attention."
According to Scott, gender bias as promulgated by the federal government is
always "bias against women." There seems to be little recognition that bias
could conceivably be "bias against men."
The emerging view
Many experts are beginning to see gender bias as a two-way street, at least
a 60/40 street. And, if they are not up to speed in initiating legislation
that would reflect the 60/40 split, they are at least fighting back and
raising serious questions about the "gender bias" in most domestic violence
legislation and prosecution.
Bloom is one of those experts. Her resume is long and impressive and she is
imminently qualified to speak against alleged abuses in her selected field.
Her 52-week People's Alternatives to Violence classes offer anger-management
options to men who are ordered by the court to undergo counseling as part of
their sentencing.
The classes are also open to men not referred by the court but who have
chosen to eliminate physical and emotional violence in their lives. Each
must admit that he has been unable to deal with his anger by himself and
must agree that he wants to stop acting violently and abusively toward

others.
Each man in Bloom's PAV classes must agree to learn the root causes of his
anger and must also agree to take responsibility for his behavior. For those
men ordered by the court to complete the classes, the program is considered
an alternative, a privilege, and a diversion that allows him to avoid
harsher court penalties while getting real help for his underlying problems.
According to Bloom, there are no such classes on the coast for women.
A still small voice
Domestic violence is one of the many scourges and blights on the face of
America. It perhaps can be compared to the American Civil War, arguably the
most "uncivil" war ever waged. Domestic violence is like that. There is
really nothing very domestic about it. It destroys homes, families,
relationships, and careers. It is certainly one manifestation of a nation
rife with violence.
Millions of Americans, men and women, are perpetrators/victims of domestic
violence every year in the United States. Literally thousands in this
country are becoming aware of the extent and nature of the problem. And a
handful of people who are paying attention are starting to understand
domestic violence as a "genderless" crime that requires a "genderless"
approach and solution. Lori Bloom is one of the latter.

Susan Murphy-Milano is the author of "Moving Out Moving On" when a relationship goes wrong and "Defending Our Lives" getting away from domestic violence & staying safe. Website address is : www.movingoutmovingon.com.  Or you can email comments at Kindlivingpress@aol.com