Left for a New Model
The House was now empty; the familiar morning smells of fresh clean water from the bathroom, the scent of his cologne lingering in the air, the coffee pot, and half empty still on, waiting for me to pour myself a cup. He is no longer here, my husband of 21 years. Perhaps they are together right now, lying in bed, holding onto each other tightly, hating to leave the warmth and love to begin a new day.
Before the divorce, how happy we were. And then that evening, the first snow fall of winter, my husband was waiting for me in the kitchen his bags packed at the door. “I’m empty, I can’t do this anymore”. His eyes looked down at the kitchen floor, “there’s someone else.” My heart sank; I was numb, devastated, angry, confused all in the same moment. “You go ahead and file the papers”, he said, just before leaving out the door. What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Why did our friends abandon me too? And a part of me died in that moment. I sat there for hours before finally getting up and going to bed.
The next day, I could barley make it out the door and into work. I didn’t want to speak to anyone; I wanted to just be left alone with my own thoughts. But, that wasn’t possible; I had a presentation to complete and a business meeting after work. It didn’t matter that I spent eight months of meetings, phone calls and preparation to get this new client into the firm. I had to finish what I started. How was I going to go on? There was no purpose, no one to share my accomplishments and thoughts with, and no one to go and meet for a cup of coffee with in the afternoon.
Then the friends, chimed in, one by one, news spread fast in this big city and even faster when you are trying to keep your personal problems to yourself. He was now in the arms of someone else, younger, prettier and smarter than I. You’ll be fine everyone said. But, I was not fine, I was in pain. And at time I think death would have been better.
I remember my anger, experiencing it as feeling down or depressed. Left unresolved, this anger could have ruined my career, business opportunities and my health. All of these feelings lowered my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. At this point, motivation and drive to try new things disappeared, resulting in less and less confidence in my abilities.
I began to worry and over-think, creating feelings of anxiety. I worried about so much and yet so little, and most of all I was never going to be with another man again, I was finished with men, period. I Drew great comfort from plotting my next move to get back at him. He hurt me so much, he abandoned me. Why does he deserve to be so happy and move forward with not a care in the world? I became consumed with hurting him, for him hurting me. Deeply depressed, I even considered taking my own life on the eve of what should have been our 22nd anniversary of marriage.
The simple truth is that I had a good marriage with a good man. He left. Yes, I had feelings of betrayal how could he do this to me? I had constant feelings of loss. Driving our car, turning to see the passenger seat empty would fill me with unseen tears. Somehow things changed for me sure the counseling helped, but mostly the change happened when I finally gave myself permission to move on. To accept things for what they are, to accept the new opportunities, to see the door open, not closed.
I dreaded the thought of divorce. It would be eight months to the day he walked out, before I had the nerve and courage to take this final action. I spend many nights saying it was OK to do it, then I'd put it off for one good reason after another. I told myself the money was too tight, knowing that was just my excuse not to face reality. I told myself I would do it after the holidays, or maybe next month, or next week.
Consciously, I was aware of the immediate benefits of getting divorced, and since there was nobody seeking my hand I kept postponing, procrastinating. The day I filed my divorce papers was a day of discovery. I discovered relief from anxiety and a freedom I did not expect. The day I filed was a day of an entire new world at my feet, a day of new for the chance at a new life.
Susan Murphy-Milano is the author of 2 books “Moving Out, Moving On” when a relationship goes wrong, available at Borders, Walden Books, Borders Express or at Amazon.com This book is one of the best investments you ca make for yourself when the threat of divorce becomes inevitable. And “Defending Our Lives” getting away from domestic violence & staying safe. Published by Doubleday. If you have questions, they will be answered directly by me. Whatever you decide, remember to be prepared. www.movingoutmovingon.com/bookinfo.html Email me direct at Kindlivingpress@aol.com I answer all questions.
