When your child is the Problem
There are many reasons why a child may become a bully. Some children may turn to bullying as a way of coping with a difficult situation: death of a loved one, their parents’ divorce. Some are just spoiled rotten and bully to get his/her own way. Some may be victims of abuse and act out their frustrations and anger on others. Some want power, control and prestige and are prepared to use aggression and violence to command compliance and allegiance. Some do it for material benefits. Others copy what another person they admire does (as an example they see a TV character portraying aggression).
Often, children who bully others have a distorted view of the world and misperceive how others treat him or her.
Whatever the cause, bullies pick on others as a way of making life better for themselves.
In many cases, boys are the perpetrators of direct, physical bullying on other boys and girls. They are frequently bigger and stronger than their victims and they use intimidation to get what they want. They are often not happy and use bullying as a means of trying to achieve popularity and make friends.
Watch out for the following tell-tale signs that your child may be a bully:
Children who bully others usually:
•Are found to be physically stronger, and are effective in play activities, sports and fights (applies particularly to boys)
•Have strong needs to dominate and subdue others
•Brag about their actual or imagined superiority over other students
•Have temperamental inclinations (example- being hot-tempered, easily angered and impulsive)
•Have low frustration tolerance (example-. have difficulties conforming to rules and tolerating adversities and delays, and may try to gain advantage by cheating)
•Are generally oppositional, defiant, and aggressive towards adults
•Are seen as being tough, hardened and show little empathy for other students
•Engage at a relatively early age (as compared with their peers) in other antisocial behavior including stealing, vandalism, getting drunk, and associate with bad companions
•Pick on or attack others, targeting in particular those who are weaker and not able to defend themselves.
How You Can Help:
Parents of students who are bullied and, in particular, who bully others, are unaware of the problem and talk with their children about it only to a limited extent. For any parent it is often a shock to learn from the school that your child is bullying others. The initial reactions are typically disbelief, denial and defensiveness. Very often too, the bullying student will try to lay the blame squarely on the victim, and the latter in some instances might have acted irrationally (example- fighting back) to complicate the matter further.
It is important to maintain objectivity, to examine the evidence carefully and to assist the school in its effort to put an end to bullying. Bullies have to learn that bullying is unacceptable and that if they continue to behave unacceptably, there are consequences. Although they should be given plenty of encouragement and help to change, bullies must not be allowed to get away with tormenting others. They are hurting both themselves and others.
Consider the following tips:
•Try to stay calm and not be defensive. Find out what has been going on, why your child has been bullying and what can be done about it.
•Talk to your child. Give assurances that you still love him/her. Do not accept excuses, but make it clear that the bulling behavior is not acceptable. Find out from your child if there is anything in particular which is troubling him/her. Seen if he/she has any ideas about why he/she bullies and how it could be stopped.
•Talk to the school staff. Ask what ideas they have to help. It might be helpful for you and your child to talk to the school psychology or social work staff. Ask the school to arrange this.
•Encourage your child to take ownership of the problem and change his/her old ways. Work out with your child ways of making amends for the bullying.
•Always intervene when your child is aggressive. Any time adults do not intervene they are essentially reinforcing problem-solving through aggression. Research has shown that non-contingent parenting methods foster noncompliance, and the inconsistent use of ineffective punishment has the effects of intermittently rewarding defiance.
•Set limits. Help your child work out and practice alternative ways of behaving. Parents can help by controlling their own aggression (e.g. using corporal punishment) and by making it clear that violence is never acceptable.
•Model good relationships at home. Help siblings get along. Teach might is not right (example- being older, bigger does not necessarily confer unfair advantages).
•Train children to empathize with the distress and suffering of others.
•Create opportunities for your child to develop his/her talents. Praise him/her when they do things well. Set up a system of reward for good behavior.
•Help your child design a balanced time-table of educational and recreational activities after school. Make sure that children in groups have something worthwhile to do. Bullying sometimes flourishes in boredom, and when children are together and have nothing to do.
•Do not use the TV as a baby-sitter and be highly selective about which programs your children watch. TV programs, videos and video games which have a high violence content subvert your child’s values, dulls his/her sensitivity to victim suffering, wears down his/her resistance to violence and legitimizes violence as the accepted means of solving conflicts and frustration.
•If you are very concerned about the adverse effects of TV violence on your children, join local parent and church groups to lobby advertisers to withdraw their endorsement of such programs.
Susan Murphy-Milano http://www.movingoutmovingon.com
